Why do I even want to recover?
The safety of living with ED is safe and familiar. Why should I fight every single day for an unknown outcome? Living with ED as my best friend is the life I’ve lived for 30 years. Why change now?
Daily, hourly, minute by minute I ask myself “why?” My anxiety and fear ask “why?”
It’s a battle in my mind that sometimes is just too overwhelming to fight.
So I give in. I relapse.
I use behaviors and the high comes back. But the high goes away just as quickly as it came.
“Then I remember…”
Then I remember why I chose recovery – relationships.
For as long as I can remember, my only relationship was with my eating disorder. ED loved me, never abandoned me, and kept me in the safety of the familiar.
But realistically, I knew that my relationship with ED was harmful, negative, and killing me slowly. It was keeping me from fostering healthy relationships with other people, including my son.
That is why I choose to continue to get up after I fall.
Sometimes hiding under the covers seems so much easier. But then I stand back and think about the relationship I have with my son Mason compared to before recovery. It’s then that I can realize that I’m making the best choice by following the path of recovery. No doubt.
Not giving up
Knowing about recovery and making the decision to actively fight for it can be like standing alone staring at a fork in the road. You’re left on your own to make the choice about which way to go.
Do I go right and fight for recovery today? Or do I walk left and allow myself to give in to the choices that ED has demanded for far too long?
I realize now (maybe 4 days out of seven each week), that forming a healthy relationship with another person is exhausting, scary and amazing. And that’s when recovery becomes worth it.
For me, at 39 years old, this is honestly the first time in my life that I can see the value of having people in my life that truly care. Relationships are about compromise and honesty and trust. All of which I was unable to give before recovery.
My goals are still far off, but ED can only control me if I let him. Sometimes I do. But most of the time I don’t.
I have never been so scared about falling as I am hopeful about what lies ahead when I get back up. The battle and my fight continue.