Healthy Life

The Truth About Laxative Abuse

Laxative abuse is a behavior seldom discussed, but highly addictive and dangerous. It’s both difficult to monitor and shameful to disclose.

Wake up to excruciating pain; I can’t believe I am back in this place. Get in the bath, try to diffuse the pain, I feel like I may have a heart attack. I have an exam tomorrow, but I am in too much pain to study. I might be dead by then anyway. Finally! Emptiness, I can breathe again. Back to sleep, my body has reached the point of exhaustion.

I wrote this on September 26, 2016. It was the last day that I took laxatives. That was 231 days ago.

I so plainly remember that first day I tried it. It was 2013 and I awoke hungover after a night of binging. I was disgusted with myself yet without relief. I was overwhelmed by desperation and committed to anything that would make me feel empty. So, I pulled myself from bed and walked the city block to CVS, where I bought my first 10-pack.

Empty

The effects of those tiny orange pills were excruciating. Yet I was addicted at first swallow. Over and over, the pain was all encompassing. But then, relief, emptiness. It didn’t matter that the laxatives didn’t undo the calories I had consumed. My stomach was flat and I felt empty. I could rise from bed, get dressed and leave the house. Nobody can see my bloated stomach because I am empty. 

First 10, then 20, 35, 50. As the number climbed and I fell deeper, I convinced myself the pain, the health scares, the tears were all worth it. I lost complete control of my behavior, yet still believed I could control it. Soon I will stop, I’m sure of it. I don’t need support because I will stop. 

You deserve more

Shame surrounding my laxative abuse kept me sick for so many years. I was disgusted and embarrassed. But, just like restricting, binging or purging, laxative abuse is a serious behavior that often requires intervention to overcome. Without proper treatment and support, I would still be lost in the cycle.

To anyone struggling, please know you are not alone. You are not disgusting and you deserve help. Reach out for support; life free of addition is so much sweeter than the emptiness, I promise.

I am a student of psychology, blogger, and advocate. In active recovery from a decade-long eating disorder, I am passionate about educating others through writing and offering a source of light to those who are struggling. I hope to use my journey to help others understand that recovery is not perfection, but an active effort to do the next right thing, and know that we are not alone.

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