Today is one of those days when you’re struggling. And all you want to do is give up.
The eating disorder feels so tempting, so comforting — it feels like home. Today, you can’t help but pity yourself — you’re sick and tired of fighting.
Your mind is fully consumed by the disgust you have for your new body. The way your legs touch in the middle, those unfamiliar stretch marks that are making you sick. And those stomach rolls that you feel don’t belong.
Today, being thin feels most important. You can’t help but envy all of your thin, beautiful friends.
Today, you feel like the past few months of treatment were a waste. You still have the same screwed up thoughts. Today is one of those days where you believe you’re different from all those other recovered people in the world.
You believe they can recover, but you just can’t. It feels impossible. Today, you feel hopeless.
Warrior, I know you feel hopeless. Trust me I’ve been there. BUT, I need you to know something.
That voice you hear so clearly — the one telling you to give up — that’s your eating disorder talking to you. That’s your eating disorder trying to make you someone that you don’t want to be.
Your eating disorder makes you miserable, depressed, dependent, manipulative, insecure, lonely and a liar. Remember? You hated yourself, you were in so much pain, you had no personality, you were always in a fog, you were dizzy, laxatives kept you up all night, your hair was ugly and thin and your feet were permanently cold.
That sounds like torture. I know that you know you deserve so much more than that.
I want you to think about all the reasons you chose to fight for your life in the first place. Hold onto those reasons.
I know you’re glorifying the days in your eating disorder right now. But if you were happy then, you wouldn’t have even considered recovery – nostalgia is a liar.
Think about how much you’ll leave behind if you give into the voices: school, your friends, your family, your career, your future.
Think about what’s really important — is being skinny really that important?
Ten years from now, are you really going to care what you looked like when you were in college (or a year after your baby was born, or whatever)? Absolutely not. All you’re going to care about is the memories you made there. And, those memories aren’t even going to exist if you give up on yourself now.
So warrior, you didn’t come this far to only come this far. You’ve found your voice, your authenticity, your inner tribe and you’ve proven to yourself – over and over again – how strong you’re capable of being.
This feeling you’re feeling right now will pass.
In fact, you’ve lived through this feeling and days like this before. It feels like the pain will last forever, but it won’t. It will pass.
I know your eating disorder is screaming. But I once read that things tend to scream when they’re dying. Hold onto that. I know you can do this.
your fellow Warrior