I honestly never thought it would be this dang hard. I had looked forward to the moment when I was ready to speak it all out since the day it hit me that I had an eating disorder. I don’t like living with anything alone, and this was no exception.
I had wanted to tell my closest friends and mentors for months now. I wanted to let them be there for me in recovery. But now the time came to speak and I thought I was ready, except in some odd way, I realized I wasn’t.
Every doubt and fear came tumbling through me and I was left paralyzed. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say those five simple, yet harrowing words,
“I have an eating disorder”.
I thought they would be bouncing off my tongue as I was so ready to not do it by myself anymore. I needed their support almost as much as I needed air to breathe. I needed them to pull me up from the depths of the sea I was drowning in.
But as I tried to open my lips, Ed yanked them shut and nailed it tight. Ed had control of my mind, body, and I guess, my tongue. Why wouldn’t my lips open? I tried countless times yet the words just wouldn’t come. I thought for sure I was even more broken than I had previously assumed.
Can’t Get It Out
I had tried all night, and it just wasn’t happening. We said goodnight and I went to my room. I tossed and turned all night long in the dark, shadow filled, space. Ed was taunting me and filling my head with lies.
I felt trapped and I was so scared of everything. Even though every part of me wanted to say those five words to one of the people I trust most in this life, there was one tiny ounce who didn’t want me to reach out, and he had control.
He didn’t want me to put him in the spotlight because my ED thrives in the dark. He didn’t want to be called out and risk getting his cover blown. He knew that me speaking truth and letting light in would slowly start to kill him.
And that my friends, is exactly what happened.
I used every muscle and ounce of strength I had in me and I spoke those five words the next morning. And you know what happened?
I felt Ed start to die.