While watching 13 going on 30, in my pjs, having my night snack to complete my meal plan, I had one of those rare “AHA!”, life changing moments when everything seems clear and hard things seem possible. The thing that made this one different was that it wasn’t a fleeting moment. It stayed with me and it turned into action.
So rewind to last night, Jennifer Garner asks her mother in the movie if there is anything in her life that she would go back and change. She, of course, is thinking about wishing away her teen years and making a bit of a mess of her life.
This got me thinking… what would I go back and change?
I would never have started counting calories, dieting, exercising; trying to shape my body into something other than its natural form.
I would go back to my university days and never start on this path that has caused me almost 7 years of pain. Coming up with this answer was not hard for me.
I have often thought I wish I never developed anorexia and the exercise addiction that followed. I wish I never damaged my body. And that I hadn’t missed out on so many experiences. I wish I never made myself so unhappy.
I know that some components of eating disorders are genetic. Yet, if I had never started on the path that triggered it, who knows what my life would have been like.
The past is the past..
I can’t go back in time and change it. I’m a scientist, but not that kind.
What I can do is start living now like it never happened? – That is the thought that struck me.
BOOM. You can start living like you never started to manipulate and control your body.
I am lucky in that the thing I want most to go back and change is something that I can start changing now. I can’t undo the past, but I can start living like I never went down that path 7 years ago.
7 years of misery. I can stop the countless diets. I can live as if I never started abusing exercising. The quest to stay thin can end today. It can all stop now.
…but the future is yours
Just because that was how things were doesn’t mean they have to be that way in the future. And having gone through a hard time in life doesn’t have to prevent me from moving forward.
I can stop living every day with the sole goal of shaping my body. Today, I can choose to stop controlling my food. I can stop being afraid of gaining weight. Happiness can be mine. It can be as if I never started.
So here’s to a new beginning. To time traveling the only way we really can. Here’s to making my way of living those 7 years disconnected to my next 50.
I will be forever touched by what I have been through, but I do not have to let it hold me prisoner any longer. And neither do you, warrior.