Today, I found myself reaching for my phone as I began to eat lunch. “I’ll just post a quick photo on my recovery account,” I thought. But why? Validation. I wanted likes and comments on social media to give me affirmation that I really am “in recovery.”
After recently moving away from home, the responsibility to eat has really fallen on me. And honestly, it’s been a struggle. My eating disorder is fighting to get back in the driver’s seat.
So I’ve continued sharing so-called “victories” online, all the while running on empty. Hunger highs have been deceiving me into believing that I am happy. But guess what? True happiness doesn’t come from being controlled by an eating disorder.
And let me tell you, eating disorders are sneaky. They trick us into believing we’re happily”in recovery.” After all, we’re eating, right? But deep inside, our wise self is screaming “NO! Stop! Stop moving, stop restricting, just STOP!”
When we talk about honesty in recovery, I guess what immediately comes to mind is the need to be honest with our treatment team – whomever that may be. Of course, this is vitally important. However, there is something which, in my opinion, is even more important.
At the end of the day, we must be entirely honest with ourselves about our eating behavior. After all, we are our own expert of the ED experience. Better than anyone – even professionals – we know our own habits, our weaknesses, and our strengths.
Starting right now, I am going to be completely honest with myself, first and foremost. I’m not going to try to make myself look perfect online or look to other to “like” or comment on my post to convince myself that I’m in recovery.
The next time you decide to share via social media, consider (not for anyone else, for you) whether you are truly in recovery or whether you are satisfying the need to be seen to be in recovery.