A Poem: Bones + Blood

Ilook down

I have not seen blood in months

Is that supposed to happen?
Am I not better than ever?
Is this not how I am supposed to look?

They ask me what my secret is
How did I do it?
I look at them in confusion
How did I do it?

How did I hate everyday with a passion
How did I hate the three obligatory times set in a day

It started small, in the dark

I skipped breakfast, once
Twice, all week,
What a success story

I smile when my stomach growls
Another five pounds down
It is working, I am doing this right, I am winning

This is how the story goes

Throw the food out
Stay quiet
Shrink till you are but an empty chair
Avoid questions
Lie, lie, lie, lie down
Because it hurts
But do not stop

Is that still me staring back
I have to be ready for bikini season
Set the reminder, do you want to be loved
How’d you lose the weight?
What is the miracle that made you look so good

How can I hate the disease killing me

When everyone tells me it is curing me
When my fork scraps the plate
When I push away

I lie in bed proud of my day
Counting
One, two, three,
Must do better
tomorrow

Remember the goal,
Wait, what is the goal,
It does not matter, feel the water coursing through

My empty body,
Feel half a sandwich hit the cave I created

My victory is the beast inside me

I sit in the back
Can they still see me
Why
I am trying, I have seen with clear eyes
The thing created to nourish me, has become my enemy

This gift I have been given, I want to give it back
I have hated it and beaten it to skin and bones
Do you still want it back?

The temple I was made to love

I have ordered to destroy itself
Down, down, it falls, the structure struggles to stand
What happens when nothing is left but dust?

The stories I stay awake reading
The girl is dying, the boy saves her

Where is my savior

I think he may be too late
I feel a heavy shadow falling
And not the strongest light can pierce it
Do I have to save myself

Because I have tried
But I no longer have control
I can no longer move my parched lips
Dry and cracked

I stopped opening them
My hands never left my side
My desert eyes looked on, not in lust, but hate, envy, sadness
I saw what I was not allowed to have

Standards I created that only led to an empty grave
My happiness came from watching others eat
Feeding myself was no longer the joy it once was

Collar bones protruding,

A little girl saying, you are so skinny
Is it admirable
Am I still here?

Nightmares,
Arid eyes burning, closed, it was only a dream
Not real, a new day to fill an empty well
Run, run, what can another ten minutes do but help
Keep sweating until you are dust
Give away what I can not afford to lose

How was I to know?
That every mile was one closer to a losing battle

There is no winning

My demons are alive and they sit pleased
At the end of every empty spoon,
In my head swimming in a pool of self hate
Why were my demons the only ones who loved me
Enough to never leave me

Fading,
I do not think I can finish,
I want out,
It hurts, I am drained
This is no remedy

My culture told me skinny was happy

But if this is happy, I’d rather be drowning in my shadows
In the back of the class, my mind never quiets
My every thought is consumed, words I do not understand
Twisted and warped

My mind has bent beyond recognition and I no longer feel
Suicide is not always done with sharp edges and tight ropes,
Mine was slow, and started with a single bite of an empty meal
A good day was an only dinner day, are they watching me?

They dont talk about it,
They dont advertise how hard it is to recover
And how easy it was to start

How am I too heal when everyone says I was never hurt

I move, the numbers have to rise

I am trying
I take a pill because I broke my bones
I worked so hard for so long, that my body forgot how to flow with life,
Was that not the goal?
My hands are shaking
Too weak on my own

I fall to my knees, dragging pale paper stretched over hollow vessels,
Pushed to kneel, blurry eyed
Your arms find me, bathed in your warmth

“Rest”

I am set on weak feet
Before a mirror
Your damp eyes connect with mine
My hands shatter glass
An image I no longer want to see

With bloodied hands I swipe away the mess I have created
Walking over broken pieces, much too shattered to be put back together
Every step a new day
I sit down, a spot made for me
A dim light over head

The war has been waged

But I have switched sides
I lost for so long,
Willingly gave my enemy every secret passage on my battleground
The blueprints they so quickly memorized

I have burnt what I gave them power to erase
This is mine,
I grasp spilled ink and begin again,
I trace my blueprints, the same sheet not yet gone,

Never too far gone,

Into battle I charge
Now I have a force that can not be beaten
Every bite a slow stab
Blood poured out

I look up

Image: @vinaysomanna

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