I see the tears run down your face, the whimper of your cry and the pain in your heart.
I want to save you.
And to want to protect you. I imagine giving you a step by step plan. Maybe even Power Point slides of how I can save you from the pain.
Then I realize how often I have used the word “save”. The word save implies that you need saving or that you are somehow fragile and weak.
The pain you endured, the responsibility you have taken and the intelligence you show doesn’t make you weak or fragile.
You’re a warrior who is surviving.
If I gave you a detailed plan on how to save yourself that would confirm that you can’t trust yourself.
When in actuality you are resilient and strong beyond your wildest dreams.
And again, I hear the hurt and feel the pain of your story and I remember my own story. I tell you, “I understand.”
I understand praying that you won’t wake up so you can have a break from the torture of your mind. And I understand that the thought of someone loving you makes you question their motives and their sanity. I understand your mind gives you a minute by minute play of everything you have failed at today. I understand feeling undeserving of food.
Rather than telling you everything is going to be alright or this will be easy, I will sit with you and listen. I will push at your eating disorder and ask you to go deeper past the numbers and feeling of “fat” to find you.
I will listen to the terror of defying ED. Which really is terrifying. Especially when it feels like your eating disorder is your only friend, the only thing you feel you can depend on.
I will be here to remind you that giving up ED means building a life worth living. I’ll be there to reinforce how strong and capable you are.
I will trust your inner voice, your voice that brings you to my couch each week to fight the disease that has overtaken your life.
Because I will believe in you. I believe in your strength and your power.
I hope you see in fact you are actually saving yourself. The greatest gift I can give you is for you to trust yourself.