It’s oh so easy to forget sometimes.
We forget how life once was before our eating disorder dominated our thoughts, actions and daily habits.
What did you used to think about when waking up? What would you think about before going to sleep?
Each day was different, right? Yet now, each day revolves around the same thoughts, the same routine, rules and strict orders. It leaves no space for spontaneity, new things or time to just enjoy life.
For 6 years my life has been dominated by the voice I grew to trust above all. The one voice that dominated all those of my closest friends, family and the ones that truly loved me.
I was in control. So I thought.
I have recently come to realize that through all these years I have felt in control of my life and weight, this has been in compensation of the control of all other aspects in my life.
When dominated by an eating disorder, this then takes away our ability to focus, prioritize, or appreciate anything else in our lives as we did before the eating disorder.
Before my eating disorder, I would wake up each morning and think of things like, “What should I wear today?” or “How should I do my makeup? What time do I need to meet my friends later?”
Before going to sleep I would think things like, “Wow tonight was so great! I laughed so much, I met a new person and who knows, maybe we will meet up again next weekend!”
There were no strict rules. It was simple – I ate when I was hungry. I was more focused on meeting up with friends and and enjoying life than food.
Yet now, when I wake up my mind races with thoughts like, “How many calories should I have for breakfast? Hmmm. How many will that leave for the rest of the day? Will I have time to burn that off? Do I need to eat something small before walking home to avoid fainting on the way home?”
Before bed I think, “Well done. You stuck within the calorie target and tomorrow we continue.”
After living this way for so many years, these thoughts became habit. It almost feels as if life has always been this way. The thought of change is so scary that it seems better to just carry on.
Carrying on counting calories and prioritizing food and weight above all else is best because this will ensure we stay in control and slimmer than all of our friends. Right?
Gaining control? LOSING control
Although, by doing this we are in fact loosing control of our actual lives.
Our lives as people. Individuals with talents and potential.
We are letting go of great opportunities, the chance of progression in life and even the possibility to have children one day. All in placement to be in control of our weight and image.
Try to think back to your life before this eating disorder.
What was your personality like? How did you used to laugh? Did you socialize more? Before you spent your nights meal planning, did you like going out to dinner with friends and family?
What did you do when you had more strength and energy to do the things you once loved?
I used to sing and dance. I used to run.
But I forgot about all of these things until recently.
Through putting this eating disorder above all else and letting it control my life for so long, I have forgotten ME.
Who I was. Who I am.
But since started my recovery plan, I’ve noticed signs of my personality coming back. And it’s motivating me more than ever to carry on going.
I’m laughing again. My brain has enough energy to focus on my friends, jokes and opinions.
I’m enjoying my walks home and appreciating the scenery around me now that my mind has the energy to do this.
Have you taken the first step towards recovery? It’s scary, I know. It’s the unknown. It is all new and uncomfortable.
But when you start to remember your true personality and how great it is to think clearly again, it will motivate you to keep going. Trust me.
You are still you. You are fighting to shine again.