That thing that I feared for so long. That thing that I worried about, lost sleep over, obsessed over round and round in my head, and literally spent DECADES of my life fighting against...it happened.
It happened for lots of reasons. Partially because I couldn’t maintain the type of lifestyle I was living any longer. It happened because I hit my rock bottom and chose to climb out. And happened because I heard that wise voice inside of me and actually listened to it.
It happened because I finally woke up and asked for more. I asked for and accepted help. It happened because I challenged my fears, trusted in my treatment team, went out of my comfort zone, and chose a different path.
And it happened mostly because I let go and trusted in the process and trusted in the universe. I let go of past hurts, past patterns, unhealthy coping skills, and unhealthy thoughts. It happened because I decided I am worth more and I chose health. Choosing love, connection and myself over an unrealistic ideal I had in my head made it happen.
And so it happened. I reached the size and weight I had never been before.
And then after I reached them both, I passed them both. My worst fear and worst nightmare came true. And after an entire season of wearing clothing that was uncomfortably too tight, I spent the next season wearing leggings. Because it was warm enough and because I just couldn’t face buying jeans and pants in an even larger size yet.
But finally, I faced my fears.
I challenged my inner critic and chose to make peace with my body. So, I went shopping for jeans. Jeans that would fit me and feel comfortable.
And so, against the screaming voices in my head, I purchased some jeans in a size more than double what used to be my size. It was a size I never imaged I would purchase.
What happened next
And when I got home, instead of drowning in my anxiety and unhealthy thoughts, I chose to put on my shoes, go for a walk, and listen to one of my favorite podcasts so I could literally surround my brain with body positive and health at every size thoughts.
After that, despite all of the negative voices that screamed inside of me, telling me I was too large or too gross to even go out in public, I met a friend for dinner. And I put on my new jeans.
You know, the ones I cut the size out of the minute I got home, in hopes I would have amnesia and instantly forget that I actually DO wear that size now.
And as I carefully studied myself in the mirror, I tried to image how I look to someone else, someone who knows me, and someone who loves me. I tried to image what thoughts they might have when they look at this new, larger sized me.
I even had a glimpse of wonder that perhaps putting these much-larger-than-I-was-ok-with sized jeans on maybe just maybe didn’t really make me look that much different…
And then I met my friend. We ate some chips and I had a drink as we ate dinner. Then another friend of ours who we hadn’t seen in awhile joined us.
We are the kinds of friends who carry a special connection – we all have children the same ages and we bonded when we went through those scary, emotional, and life changing first years of motherhood together. I love these women as family and I am connected to them in a very unique way.
We sat for hours catching up, sharing stories, enjoying a few drinks, laughing, listening to, and supporting each other.
And when I returned home with a feeling of joy and gratitude I realized something amazing.
A blessing in disguise
It happened- the thing that I feared for so long.
I gained the weight, my body changed, and I wore the jeans in the size I could not have imagined wearing a year ago.
And despite those jeans in that size…. I had a fun evening connecting with my friends. Nobody cared what size I wore.
My size had zero impact on our evening. Just as my jeans size should have zero impact on my life, on my happiness, on my worth as a person, and on my emotions.
They are just jeans.
And life is SO MUCH better when I am connecting with people I love rather than trying my hardest to avoid a fear I have built up in my head to be a monster, when in reality it really does not matter.
Had I never chosen recovery and never decided to trust in the process, listened to my wise self, or even hit rock bottom – then this fear of mine would never have happened.
But if it never happened, then I would still be fearing it. Because only when I actually reached the fear, did it lose its power over me.
And so I dare say that perhaps I am glad that this fear of mine happened. Perhaps my worst fear coming true is the biggest blessing of all.