I found it…
This weekend I found my journal from when I started my recovery from bulimia. For a long time it was a book full of my darkest and most shameful secrets: it contained what I had binged on, how many laxatives I took that day, and how disgusting I thought it was. So, I put it away with the intention of never reading it again. And I thank my past self for not throwing it away like I thought of doing many times.
Hard, but necessary
Reading through it was so emotional for me. The words in there were horrible. Weak. Disgusting. Hopeless. Worthless. Desperate. Ashamed. The pages were filled with, I’m not good enough, and I hate myself. I cried reading it feeling so sad that my mind tricked me into believing these things.
But most of all, I cried because I felt extreme pride and appreciation for myself. I had been in such a dark place, treating mind and body so poorly and I had beaten it, yet I made it through.
I no longer think like that, in fact I believe the complete opposite. I was the girl using the Recovery Warriors’ app ‘Rise Up’, now I’m the girl writing for Recovery Warriors.
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Something that I repeatedly wrote was ‘one day I’ll wake up without an eating disorder’. I remember writing this with such hope but also disbelief, but now I wake up every day living out that hopeful wish.
My journal was a reminder that while it was far from easy, no matter how bad things seem, if you keep trying, you can get through it.
There is no doubt that journaling helped me recover. But more than that, it’s a great tool to show you how far you have come, at any stage of recovery.
Keep working, warrior. Progress, not perfection.
I struggled during recovery and relapsed multiple times. I wish I had have read this journal then, because I know it would’ve shown me that I had made progress.
At the beginning of my recovery someone gave me a mantra that I wrote on every page of my journal, and I’m sharing it now in hopes that you will use it, too.
I am beautiful, I deserve to be happy, today is my day!