Over the past four days, I’ve had the absolute worst body image. Things got really bad and the eating disorder voice got louder than ever. It felt like the only way to quiet the voice and get rid of the bad body image was to do as the eating disorder wished. It would be a quick fix. As well as an answer to all of my problems.
Only, it wouldn’t be helping my recovery.
The bad body image got progressively worse each day. It almost felt like it wasn’t going to end. However,
I’m here to tell you, bad body image doesn’t last forever.
It may feel like it will. But I guarantee, as well as promise, that it won’t.
Take it from me. Here is what I experienced in the past four days. A complete mental battle with bad body image. It was filled with negative thoughts and hopelessness. Yet, I still pushed myself.
I woke up and looked at my body in the mirror. Immediately I frowned. I was so unhappy with the way my body looked. Especially my stomach. I threw on some clothes and tried to ignore these negative feelings and thoughts. Only, my eating disorder kept reminding me of what I saw. Which made me feel like I shouldn’t do anything that would contribute to weight gain.
The bad body image got worse. The thoughts got louder. The eating disorder told me I was gaining weight by the second.
I continued to eat.
Which did make me feel worse. As well as made the eating disorder angrier. The thoughts were roaring at this point. While it wasn’t easy, I knew I couldn’t give in. So I continued eating. Even giving myself extra! This was not only because I wanted it, I needed it.
The bad body image reached its peak. I felt completely insecure. I was so uncomfortable with my body. The eating disorder was angry. It reminded me of how unworthy I am. Which made me want to isolate and withdraw. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be sad.
The thoughts were extremely loud. However, I knew I shouldn’t be listening. So I went against the eating disorder. I ate even a little more than what my eating disorder wanted. Which did make my body image worse.
I reminded myself that I needed to help my body.
I may not like the way my body looks right now. But that doesn’t mean I should punish it further.
I woke up hoping my bad body image would be gone. But it wasn’t. I sighed at the sight of my body and felt down. I tried to push the thoughts and feelings aside. The eating disorder just wouldn’t back down.
The eating disorder reminded me of destructive behaviors I could utilize. And it began telling me how unworthy I am. Then it told me I didn’t deserve to eat.
The last time I had thoughts this harmful, I was in treatment. Without support, I knew I needed to combat this on my own. I came so close to giving in.
I reminded myself why I need to keep fighting. How I can’t give up now.
So I went into the kitchen and made my dinner. I didn’t think about my body. I gave myself as much food as I wanted. For my body needed it. And at that moment, when I started body checking, I took a second to pause. Rather than allowing the self-defeating thoughts to take over, I thought something else.
By saying this to myself, in that moment, the bad body image disappeared. I appreciated my body and accepted it.