How Did My Eating Disorder Actually Start?

Searching for Answers

I’ve been to many therapists, read tons of blogs, and watched videos on those who struggle with an eating disorder. This was all in the hopes of finding the core of my eating disorder. Most argued it stemmed from my past: the insecure, dependent, scared girl. Let’s call her Past Me.

Many months later it dawned on me that if Past Me produced this eating disorder, it was inevitable for Present Me to dodge it. It was as if I had zero control over this bizarre idea that I was destined to have an eating disorder. This concept bugged me.

Eating disorders are a form of control, but how did it become a product of who I used to be? I never intended this to happen, yet people made me believe that I had no say.

Then, It Occurred to Me

I still remember how everything changed as I picked out my clothes one morning. I had a choice in what I wanted to wear. I had a choice in where I wanted to go, yet at that point, I believed that I didn’t have a choice in my binge and purges. It was as if it was going to happen, whether I choose it or not.

So, as I put my green pants and patterned shirt on, I decided I will not binge that day. I will not purge. I will not surrender my will to Past Me. She has no power in this situation anymore.

How Did It Start?


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So, back to the real question: where did all of this start? Past Me surely must’ve had it in for me when she “decided” to be insecure and body-aware. But, that’s not true. Present Me is in charge of who I am right now. And that’s how I came to the conclusion that it starts with me, every day.

When I wake up, it starts with ME. When I walk to the fridge, it starts all over again with ME.

The wonderful thing about this is that I don’t have control over Past Me. I don’t have control over my current situation. But, Present Me is completely in my control. I choose what and where I take her.

This is a different take on an eating disorder. I am not belittling its effect or mental aspect, but I am telling YOU that YOU have the control. YOU are in charge. If you relate to this in any way, here are a A few affirmations to say out loud until you believe it:

Repeat After Me…

I am not my past.

I am fully in charge of my current actions.

I am aware and allow myself the power to take control.

I am present.

I am not going to sabotage Future Me with my actions today.

I am willing to change.

All my love,

Bee


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