I hit rock bottom (again) recently. I was done. Totally done. And so were my parents. Something had to change or my parents (and my body) would just give up.
Everyone was telling me this for years and years but I never truly believed them. But now I did.
One last chance
My parents gave me one last chance to get myself out of rock bottom and into real recovery. And after years of relapsing or faking recovery (“quasi recovery” and relapsing after that), I finally understand that I need to decide if I want a life or not.
I realize that I can’t recover only for my parents; I have to do it for myself. Recovery is something I have to own.
Since that realization I’ve done the usual recovery requirements like increasing my food intake, I’ve also decided to open up. Being honest, talking about ALL of my fears, and showing the panic I feel have been really important.
Because I found out that right now, that’s the only way I can eat all of the things I’m scared of. I have to share and cry and scream before I have space in my head to make the right decision.
Shedding light on it
Sometimes it feels like my eating disorder is MINE and nobody is allowed to touch it. And I’ve liked it that way. But that’s also why I never recovered before, I kept all my food rules in the dark.
So that means no one could help me face my deepest fears, because I wouldn’t even share what they were.
I’ve felt alone for most of my life and my eating disorder felt like the one thing I hold onto. But in fact, my eating disorder was making me feel more alone than ever. It isolated me and made me feel disconnected from everything and everyone.
So what’s my advice for you?
Let others in and open up.
Do it even though it’s scary – I know it’s scary! But feeling more connected and supported is amazing. It’s finally making me realize that recovery is the ONLY way to live a happy life. Even though it’s tough.
Most days I still feel horrible (hello it’s only 4 weeks since I started) but I now know that it’s part of the process. Not suppressing all the feelings but going through will be worth it.
Recovery is not meant to be easy; it is meant to free us from a life-threatening disorder that sucks all the life out of us.