I don’t remember much.
Though I’m not sure if I really do.
You see, when I first saw those dark eyes I thought
Of a blackened forest, tangled trees never-ending into eternity
When I saw you, I saw myself
The person I used to be.
I think maybe what I wanted
Was to fix you, to be able to put you back together
I wanted my sweetness to seep into your veins and lighten the
Darkest combusting chaos within your brain
Your hand, I don’t really remember your hand
But I think of the shadow dancing on the ceiling
I say I don’t remember, but I actually do
I think I know everything that happened but I can’t get myself to think about it
When the doors are shut and lights are off, the softness of my bed sheets
Are the one thing keeping me from being touchless
Less of touch, no touch, no, don’t touch me!!
An effortless task really, it’s almost as if you just have to do nothing at all
To follow it.
This proclamation of self-doubt, yet certainty
Is not about you, none of this is about you
Because you made me believe that you did nothing wrong
Your voice told me that my lips went numb, pressed against mine
I can’t breathe, I can’t speak, when something is so intoxicating
It leaves an empty trail of bile in my mouth
This proclamation is not over yet
My anger is speaking, your shadow is not a silent void anymore
Your shadow is right in front me, and I am not scared
I forgive you for hurting me because that means you were hurt.
I forgive you for plugging up your sadness with the corkscrew
Connected in my hair.
You never really got a chance and so when I saw the blood stained
Carpets and the smell of alcohol it convinced me that you were just broken
Now, is when I feel bad for you.
Is when I learn from you.
Is when I grow
Grow from the darkness you pulled me into
I forgive because I once was forgiven
I forgive you because I deserve knowing that what happened
Was not my fault, not my silence, not my ending
My forgiveness to you only brings healing
I have forgiven you and by you, I mean me.