Are you just trying to survive each day? Or are you excited to see what the day brings? Either way – I understand. I’ve been both places. Fighting an eating disorder is exhausting.
Just getting through
I spent most of my life just trying to get through the day. Even in the phase when I was, “in recovery,” I was still fighting myself and my disorder. And the constant tug of war was grueling.
I was stuck in the middle. And either way I went, I felt like a loser. If I slipped into relapse I could let go of the fighting – but felt I had failed at recovery. If I was maintaining my “recovery,” I was living by rigid rules to keep my weight in a certain “healthy” range – and not one bit over. At that point, my eating disorder told me I was “letting myself go.”
Whether I chose to live in my disorder or fight for recovery didn’t matter – I felt like I was losing either way.
But really, there was only one thing I needed to let go of. My eating disorder. And the lies that being thinner and smaller equals being more valuable, happy, and loved.
And that’s the “letting go” I finally chose.
Letting go of my eating disorder completely meant letting go of trying to control my body size or shape. It meant letting go of all food rules. I can now view all foods neutrally. No foods are “good” or “bad”.
And this “letting go” has required accepting that I’m a lovable and valuable person no matter what I weigh. If others disagree, that’s their problem. Not mine.
I now live in a body much larger than ever before. Honestly, I’m still working on accepting my larger body. And it’s not always easy.
So, why don’t I just dive back into the eating disorder? In all honesty, I know that if I really want to, I can shrink my body. I know exactly how to do it. I spent more than half of my life shrinking my body. But I choose not to. And the reason is simple.
While I was living in my eating disorder every day was difficult. Every. Single. Day. Even the best days had struggles. Most days I woke up with a sense of dread and simply wanted to hide from the day.
Today, in recovery, my days are filled with new activities. I’m often curious and excited about what is to come.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than a good day in the eating disorder.
So, yes, I could shrink my body and dive back into the eating disorder, but I’m choosing not to. I’m choosing to live life fully, authentically, and freely.
And it is amazing. I challenge you to join me.