Does everything get easier when you choose recovery?
Well, yes and no.
So, how do I maintain my energy and desire for recovery? First, I power through the morning, getting my son and myself ready for the day (coffee definitely helps.) At times, keeping myself on autopilot is the only way I can stay afloat.
Once I drop off my son, it’s go time. Time to decide how to NOT give in to the depression and anxiety, which continuously tells me to call in sick for work, to cancel the play date I have made for the afternoon and to crawl into a hole small enough so nobody can see me.
No more safety net
Surprisingly, it is beginning to get easier not to run and hide from life in general. Pushing through my daily routine has become more normal.
But without the safety of my eating disorder behaviors, the “adulting” part of life comes to the very top of the surface.
That causes my anxiety and the fear of failure takes center stage. I have chosen not to hide behind my behaviors, and that is by far the loneliest feeling of all.
As detrimental as my behaviors have been over the last 30 years, the safety of them was always easier than the feelings that come with real life responsibility. On top of that, sharing those fears with people that don’t understand makes the feelings even more unbearable at times.
But I keep going about my day, taking many breaks to text my therapist. I continually decide whether or not to go down the path of responsibility or the path of fear.
Soon, I realize it’s almost time to pick up my 5 year old – and I remember that I have someone who is counting on me to keep choosing that scary path of responsibility.
So, is it easier?
The fork in the road to recovery is one that I have yet to figure out. One day I’m struggling to climb up the steepest mountain ever, and the next day I am running up the same mountain full speed ahead.
So, to answer the question” “Does it get easier?” Well, in certain moments: yes- it does get easier. In other moments: no, it’s still incredibly difficult.
But I’m lucky enough to have an amazing 5-year-old son as my driving force every single day. He pushes me and teaches me the joy and excitement you can have from the little things in life. Like when the Dodgers score a homerun, or you finish a puzzle, or get to enjoy a simple hug and snuggle.
To me, that is reason to give positive purpose to the demons that I will continue to battle – whether or not it gets easier.
So today, I feel lucky. And anxious. Yet determined. And maybe a little fearful.