I am sorry.
I’m sorry for all I have put you through.
I never meant it. I have lived my life trying to appease others and that brought me to manipulate you in ways that you didn’t deserve. I thought that by controlling you I could find peace and happiness, but I think deep down I always knew that I would never have the “ideal” body, but I never wanted to admit it.
I Was Confused
I ignored you and dug a hole so deep in my thoughts that I became buried under them; my cognitive ability to differentiate what was real and what was not slowly disintegrating. I became so consumed that I forgot that you needed to have a say, too; that I could not just continue to be reckless and take you for granted. I may not have accepted myself at that time, but that did not mean I needed to take it out on you.
The Fears Set In
I feel that this body I have now doesn’t stand a chance because she doesn’t fit society’s “mold” of perfection. She doesn’t have a toned physique or a flat stomach, and I fear with the body I have now, no one will ever find me attractive or love me. So in a twisted way, I felt that if I could mold you into what society deemed “perfect,” then I would feel safe in knowing that I had a future worth living for.
But The Truth Is
I know in my heart that’s wrong. You, my body, are not wrong. That’s one reason I fell into E.D. in the first place; I felt that by having this perceived sense of control, I was looking out for myself, for you, and for my future – when in all reality, I was diminishing whatever “future,” I had left.
Forgiveness Comes With Time
I do not know how you can come to forgive me after what I have done to you. All these memories of me trying to change you, abusing you, starving you, degrading you, I need to let that go, because the truth is that I will never be able to forever change you.
Permission To Change
Body, you will always be changing because you are human, and throughout the many seasons life will present us with, you will find ways to navigate us through them, sometimes at the cost of altering your appearance, and that’s okay.
If eating a bit more makes you happy, then that is what I will do. I don’t want to be afraid of you anymore. I want to embrace you and love you like you deserve to be loved.
I’m not saying this grieving process will be easy, but may this be the first step towards coming out of denial that I didn’t feel this way for all these years. I have always been trying to change you, and I have begun to grow tired of it. I am tired of fighting you. I want fight for you. I want us to both be at peace and be free. I want us to dwell in eternal freedom and abundance because that is all you deserve and more.
I will love you in moments where you are weak and I will embrace you with compassion when you find yourself swelling up with an inextinguishable fire inside. I will not stray from you again.
I am with you for the remainder of this lifetime, and although my soul lives on, I want to make sure your body gets to experience all life has to offer. I will love you no matter what.
You are my body, and you are my home. It is with deep love that I choose in this moment to let you be. You are free from the chains of FAD diets, extraneous exercise routines, and unattainable standards. You are free to take whatever form you like, because regardless, I promise to love and accept you for all that you are.