There was much shame associated with this decision. I remember reaching out to my therapist at the treatment facility that I had recently left and expressed the amount of shame that I felt, had I gaged my happiness to be more important than those around me? She responded, “Is your happiness MORE important than theirs – or is yours equally as important but different?” Right then I realized that, YES! My happiness is equally as important but different! There were many lives that were affected greatly as a result of my decision to leave. What I learned though was that it was all going to be okay. All of our lives moved forward, we hurt, we healed, we learned, and we became more fully human beings because of it. And I found myself falling in line with my values, accepting and nurturing the woman I truly am.
I thought for sure my big decisions, like those, were behind me. One per person, isn’t that how it works? No? Well shit, I wasn’t prepared for more just yet. The universe is extraordinary because it has this unwavering belief in each of our individual ability to handle really hard things. So, true to form, my universe continued to put challenges in front of me. It was a hard year in Savannah, but it was hard in a different way. This time, it wasn’t hard because I questioned choosing to do what was ultimately good for myself, but because as I was becoming more vulnerable and authentic, these challenges were more visible to those around me. It was uncomfortable, being seen more clearly than I had ever let myself be seen before. But where there is discomfort, more often than not, there is also growth.
I continue to stumble, and I continue to find myself at crossroads. Honestly, crossroads that I’d rather not be at – thanks universe, shout out from the arena below. This is my reality. I can’t sit at these crossroads and wish I wasn’t here, you can’t change your reality, but you can work with it though. That starts with making decisions that are in your best interest. Parker Palmer said, “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” It starts with realizing that your happiness is equal but different.
So when you find yourself at a crossroad in your recovery, tap into your inner self and honor her needs.
Sometimes these decisions seem scary; Do I go to treatment? Do I tell my team just how much I am struggling? Do I tell my family, partner, friends that I need to set new boundaries? I have found it to be the hardest for me when I need to make a decision that suggests what I’ve been doing isn’t working – triggering my pride, fear, and shame stories. In these instances, I have this immense feeling that I have failed. I have this self-critical voice that appears at center stage and goes through all of the things I could have done better, in order to avoid the situation that I have found myself in. The thing I have to remember here is that I have no control over the past, there is no sense in reliving it only to provoke shame within myself. We cannot change the past nor can we stare down our reality into becoming lush and struggle free. What we do have control over is our here and now and what we can do is make the next best choice.
We should not feel selfish or shameful for choosing to love and take care of ourselves. We should not feel as though we must sacrifice our own pursuit of joy, peace, and love in order to suffice another’s comfort. We do have a responsibility to nurture and build up the sweet soul within ourselves.
Make the hard choices that bring you more fully into integrity with yourself, and let the world reap the bountiful blessing of experiencing the true YOU.
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