It’s always awkward when you have the “past relationships” talk with your partner. Usually, the mention of x amount of past boyfriends or girlfriends causes the current partner some amount of sadness, jealousy, or anger. But not for your eating disorder.
My eating disorder, Clyde, actually rejoiced when I told him how many other eating disorder and self-harm relationships I’d had in the past. He reassured me my previous experiences would just make our relationship that much stronger.
At first I was relieved. Happy that he wasn’t angry.
Because when Clyde is angry, he makes me do bad things.
Like one time, I ate three normal meals throughout the day and didn’t pay any attention to him. The next day he told me I had to eat a bunch of junk and throw it all up. Or else he’d break up with me. Actually that happened a lot...
I did what he told me to because he was the only constant in my life. People came and went, beauty flourished and faded, but Clyde was by my side morning, day and night.
So, when Clyde was happy when I told him about Ed, Devin, Nate, and Gary, I sighed and smiled. But then I realized he shouldn’t be encouraged by my past lovers. Well, I suppose they never truly loved me, but at least they were always there for me until I ordered them to leave.
What was his problem? Then, I understood. He didn’t love me either. He was just posing! Just using me for his own sadistic pleasure. Because when I was suffering, Clyde was always happiest.
Talk about 50 shades of creepy.
The point is Clyde is not normal. His reaction to the talk we had was strange. and so were the rest of the ideas he shared and forced on me.
People can be fickle, but that’s just a side effect of free will. Love and friendship are great though, and finding those are worth the potential heartbreaks.
With my free will I want to break up with Clyde. Our relationship can be added to that list of ex-lovers, but the plan is to never have to have that talk with any eating disorder again.
I want to be single. Single, happy, and free from the destructive partners I’ve had the past seven years of my life. It’s time to focus on me.
Filling the space
In place of Clyde, I’ve added a multitude of heart healing activities. What do you do when you break up with a partner to get over them? Go dancing, yell at the top of your lungs on a mountain peak, go on a mini vacation, write a book, and maybe pierce your ears.
I’ve found acting a little rebellious in spite of Clyde has helped my recovery. Wearing a crop top to work or skinny dipping with a pal can give you a rush and keep your mind off your break up. It might even make you smile. Because you know your eating disorder is jealous of the fun you’re having.
So have fun and try new things. Color your hair hot pink, exceed the speed limit (just a little), or ask your crush on a date. So what if your dad has a heart attack?
At least your heart will be healing from the most abusive relationship of your life.