“No Longer Yours” – A Breakup Letter to My Eating Disorder

Eating disorder,

You robbed me of life. You disguised yourself as my saving grace. You were sneaky and clever.

I was weak when you found me lying in my room, alone, plummeting into my insecurities. I was trapped in a web of boredom, loneliness, worthlessness and disappointment. I was spun around so tightly only you were strong enough to attempt to sever the spidery web I was suffocating in.

Eventually you succeeded- you untangled me.

You made me feel special, you granted me an identity, a preoccupation from the every day tribulations. You took advantage of my naive and innocent nature. Before I knew it I was your slave, your loyal puppet.

The scared little girl who lied in her bed ten years ago and longingly stared out her window, wishing desperately for a fairy godmother to turn her into a princess, has grown up. You should know I’m no longer that timid and sorrowful little girl I used to be.

I’ve grown up. You should know I’ve changed, after all you saw it unfold with your own eyes. In fact you yourself tried everything in your power to stop me.

Every time I dipped my foot outside of your reigns, you pulled me back in.

You were so powerful, you had me convinced that you were the best thing that had every happened to me. You yelled at me furiously when I tried to escape you, you cursed me, scolded at me. I thought you were the reason for my accomplishments.

This is what happens when I keep you around, you take credit for everything. My identity, my voice, my friends and family whom I hold dearly: you had me believing all of these things existed because of you.

But now I see you- were so very wrong.

I feared the idea of living without you for a long time. These questions overwhelmed me: What would I do? Who would I be? Where would I go? And the truth is I don’t know yet.

But for the first time in my life I am perfectly okay with that. Because I do know one thing for certain- I don’t need you anymore. None of you.

The past few years when I’ve tried to free myself, I’ve kept bits and pieces of you. But I’m here to tell you, today I’m freeing myself of your relics. You were part of my story, woven into my life’s fabric. But I will no longer allow you to taint or dictate my story, my life, my mind.

No longer yours,

Rachel

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