The sun was barely peering its’ face through the slits of the cream white shutters protecting me from exposure to the outside world that sits so close in the first floor of my complex. At this time of year, the snow kissed mountaintop wishes me good morning, and if I am a lucky, a light snow will follow suit, creating comforting patterns across my window. But on this morning, as my alarm began to chime, the sun decided to traverse back behind a cloud, and as I lifted my shutters, the sky decided to hiss at me. To remind me that I do not belong here.
Not only does the eating disorder mentality try to tell me that I do not belong, or that I am not worthy, but also perfectionism and life itself, as they adamantly grasp my thoughts to remind me of these false precepts. That I am lacking, or that I am going to fail, so why bother even trying. Before I began struggling with my eating disorder, I found myself tangled in a web of deceit that equated perfection with competency, and it was this toxic mindset that further led me down a path with anorexia.
In life there are a few truths I have learned along the way, and I want to share them with you. Truths to living- living free of your eating disorder, free of perfectionism, free of guilt, and free of shame. Finding freedom in yourself. Freedom in being enough.
Put Yourself Out There-Even When You Feel Like a Fraud
Yes! It is the old fake it until you make it attitude, but with a new spin. We are not designed to fake it until we make it, we are called to live our lives faking it until we become it. In time you will become confident. Become free. Become recovered. We aren’t living lives to just make it happen, we are going to fake it until we become it.
Done is Better than Good
Perfectionists I am looking at you, and I too, have had to give myself a deep “stare into your soul, shiver down your spine” cringe worthy reality check. My voice teacher shared this golden phrase with me a few months ago, and it has been revolutionary in my life. So often we focus on making sure things are perfect, and we miss out on the overarching picture, and opportunities we could be experiencing. No meal plan, or food, or assignment will be perfect and this is ok- done is better than good!
Self-Care and Intention
What we invest our time in makes a difference. Neglecting ourselves sends a message to our minds. It sounds cliché, but taking time each day to intentionally do something just for you will truly make a difference. In the mornings, I do not check my phone right away – but I journal, and listen to a playlist when I take my shower and eat breakfast. That is my time, where no one can get to me, and I get to be the sole focus.
Neglecting ourselves sends a message to our minds.
These truths have taught me how to forgive. On the days when I hear the world tell me I do not belong, I am able to still have my doubts. However, I am also able to process them, and do the things I never could have done in my disorder when I was still living in the lies. I am able to take a step back, and say to world “Oh yeah? I don’t belong?… watch me“.