I remember when the brutal eating disorder cycle was all that I knew. Affirmations weren’t even on my radar.
I remember that when I woke up and the first thing I’d do was weigh myself. I’d write it down in the scrap piece of notebook paper I kept in my room. Disappointed and angry at myself, I’d then write down my goal weight. And circle it three times.
And then I’d plan my course of action for the day to make that scale number smaller. Yet that feeling of power and invincibility would rub off once it got dark. Late at night, my body finally (thankfully) took over. And it’d tell me to eat. And eat. And eat. Once I started I couldn’t stop.
I remember the day I woke up and searched Google for the ways my eating disorder(s) were hurting me physically. The list was longer – and more terrifying – than I thought. And it was then that I started to do something about it.
I found a pad of bright pink post-it notes in my bedroom and started to write affirmations to myself.
Simple words. I’d stick them in the places that were most triggering to me, and things did actually start to change.
These three affirmations saved me from from my next binge:
You don’t want to do this.
This affirmation I stuck to the pantry cabinet filled with my favorite snacks that I so often would begin my binge with. But the message helped me to pause, and sometimes the pause was all I needed to check in with myself, and not send my body into destruction mode.
You are so loved.
This affirmation I stuck to my bathroom mirror. Reading this message every day reminded me that I so badly wanted to learn to love me again.
I wanted to build me up more than I wanted to tear me down.
You are enough.
This affirmation I stuck to my kitchen counter. I saw it each time I wanted to deprive myself from a meal. It was simple, but powerful. I slowly started saying it out-loud whenever I felt triggered to give in to my disease. “You are enough, Diana. You are enough just as you are.”
I remember when the brutal eating disorder cycle was all I knew. And then I remember when I started to love and care for myself once again. I remember when these affirmations started me on the path to recovery.