For years and years, I desperately tried to find something that would motivate me to recover. I searched for a “reason” to eat normally. However, somewhere deep inside me, I longed for only one thing: to make ED happy.
Why? Well, anyone living with an eating disorder will tell you that it’s easier to give in to the eating disorder’s demands than to put up with its abuse.
Eventually, though, I realized that while choosing eating disorder behaviors made me feel better in the moment, it was slowly but surely eating me away (pardon the pun).
The eating disorder wasn’t making me happy. However, out of sheer desperation, I kept choosing to give in to it.
Something worth fighting for
I started writing stories in March of this year. I found myself discovering a part of me that I had lost touch with – my creativity and intellect. I’ve always loved writing, though when ED is in the driver’s seat, I can’t put pen to paper.
Eventually, that was my answer to truly committing myself to fighting for a life free from my eating disorder.
In order to have the courage to truly fight ED, we need to have something worth fighting for. Whether that be becoming a mother, finishing studies, returning to a favorite sport or going on the trip of a lifetime, we have to find that reason. We have to choose something (anything) that is more valuable to us than the eating disorder.
For me, the thing I am passionate about is writing. I love words, and creating stories. After years of starving my brain of nourishment, I desperately long for it to work properly again so I can write. I want my brain back!
Now, nourishing my brain is more important to me than quieting the eating disorder. And here is my lesson: each of us has us a passion, a dream. You might have buried it deep inside, but it’s in there. The reason to choose recovery is already inside you. You just have to find it.